Telling my story. It seems so overwhelming, so ongoing, so... long. For the longest time, I have had the idea in my head (and so many people have told me) that I need to write a book. People would read my story, and it would change their lives.
Often, I ask God why this happened to me. Not so much of "why, oh why me? Woe is me." More like, "what purpose does this have? what do you want me to do? how do I bring you glory in this?" (I won't lie to you though. That whole "why, oh why me" bit happens... from time to time).
Most of my life, I have been a planner. I write lists, I keep a tight schedule (most of the time), and in fact, one of my top "StrengthsQuest" strengths is Strategic (I believe it is actually my number 1). It drives me crazy that I cannot just know what I'm supposed to be doing to be fulfilling God's plan for this whole thing. I know, it's so silly that I would let that stress me out when The Almighty has it under control. He knows the plan. I will understand when He wants me to, and His timing is perfect.
But...
One of my many flaws is that I struggle with just letting go. You know, "Let go, and let God."
You see, what has happened to me didn't just happen and that was that. It is happening. It's constant. Daily, I have this unsettling feeling. It's like He's reminding me over and over again that He's not finished... That I'm not finished. This story, this journey is far from over. And He will receive the glory.
I want to know HOW to do that!
I'll be honest. This story isn't all sunshine and daisies and "they all lived happily ever after." It's intense, ugly at times, and man did I go through (and still going through) some really low points. I was and am still scared ALOT, I also had and still have a bad attitude ALOT. But I'm working on it. That is what partially fueled this blog.
A book is so overwhelming to me. "Baby steps" (words I have learned to live with) seemed to be the best way for me to start. And cue the beginning of Lauren's Blog. Hey... maybe a book is in my future (hopefully near future!). For right now, blogging will be my outlet. Whether or not I have any readers at all, I'm shedding my insecurities and I'm telling this story. Raw and real. The good, the bad, and the really (and I mean really) ugly.
A beautiful start for your blog....so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteYay! I'm so glad you're doing this.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you use the formatting to make your words come alive... very effective :)
ReplyDeleteBut as I continue to read your entries I am just floored. Most days I feel like I am the only one who feels like this, and as much as it sucks that we both feel so unsettled and scared some days, I am glad that there are people who can tell me that it goes on, and it gets better.
And while I don't share the same view on religion... the idea of purpose, the idea that I could use my words to move someone to the point where their life changed, those ideas I share and understand wholeheartedly. I look forward to reading more!
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ReplyDeleteBeautiful way to share your story and express what God has done for you through all this - He makes beautiful things out of the dust :) I have a different type of vasculitis but I can relate very much to where you've been. Continue using your story for God's glory.
ReplyDeletewww.helpingotherpatientseverywhere.blogspot.com